Lee Suckling: How I learned I was dating a serial cheater

I was knowledgeable that he was not single when we met, and bought into his trick of explaining his existing relationship was already on the rocks. Photo / Getty Images

It's coming up ten years since the first person I was serious with cheated on me, broke my heart, and asked me to move out.

Upon discussing this relationship with later partners, friends, and my now-husband, I've come to realise how transparent my ex's behaviour was. He harnessed my naïvety and got what he wanted, until he found something (or rather, someone) else.

The most important lesson I learned from this break-up, however, was that I deserved it. I don't want to say the break-up was my fault, but rather, I had it coming.

See, my ex was a serial cheater. He'd had two major relationships before me, both of them ended when he became romantically involved with the next partner. There was a seamless transition between his ex and me – yes, I am ashamed to say I was the other man for a short period – and four years later there was a crossover between me and his next lover.

I was knowledgeable that he was not single when we met, and bought into his trick of explaining his existing relationship was already on the rocks. It's easy – as the other man or other woman – to take their word for it... and consider someone else's failing relationship someone else's problem. Naturally, when it happens to you down the track, maintaining this kind of mentality only serves you right.

Despite spending years angry, I now accept what happened because I can acknowledge the following: if somebody leaves their previous partner for you, it's stupid to think they won't do the same thing again when they tire of you.

At the heart of this situation, I know, is that my ex was a Bad Guy. Serial cheaters – those who go from relationship to relationship without gaps – are the most selfish of people. They care only for their future self. They have a heinous survival instinct to ensure their continual happiness whilst leaving a trail of collateral damage behind them.

What are the signs you're dating a serial cheater?

They're addicted to the chase.

Did your partner have to really convince you to start a relationship with them? Did they have to woo you, despite any initial disinterest you had? Serial cheaters are addicted to the chase. They love the thrill of the hard work because of the reward it reaps for them – it makes them feel irresistible and invincible.

They give regular gifts

Part of the mind manipulation for a serial cheater is treating you really, really well sometimes. It's so you don't realise when you're being treated poorly. Frequent gift-giving is a tactic used by serial cheaters. They rely on giving you the immediate excitement of a new thing to distract you from their other behaviour.

Once a cheater...

I hate this saying, as I do genuinely believe that people can make regrettable mistakes and will never repeat them. However, the "once a cheater, always a cheater" saying, when applied to repeat offenders, can be a sign of a serial cheater. These people are desensitised from the negative emotions linked to their lies. If you're with someone who has followed this trend before, it's silly to think they won't ever do it to you.

Their daily habits change, but they convince you that you're being needy

When a serial cheater has his or her eye on somebody new, their daily habits will change. Usually ever so slightly at first, and over the course of a few months you may see that they have a totally different schedule than they used to. However, when behaviour seems odd and you begin to say something, serial cheaters excel at convincing you that nothing has changed – they're just busy, and you're simply being jealous or needy.

Financial protections are in place

Serial cheaters are really good at keeping their money cards close to their chest. You mightn't know the real number of their salary or their debts, and they get cagey when talk of future shared finances comes up. My ex, quite literally, asked me to sign a legal agreement saying I could only take out of the relationship what I brought in. How did I not see he was safeguarding himself from splitting everything evenly (as is required by law for de facto couples)? That's a core skill of the serial cheater – they're good at hiding their deception, and putting financial protections in place so they know they can always leave you.